| Wednesday, June 14, 2006 |
| The Reason behind the Lie |
Gw, selalu berpikir kenapa gw begitu membenci diri gw sendiri. The things, I hate so much was lying. Jujur aja, gw harus mengakui, I’m so good on lying. But, It’s so painful, keep lying like this.
Who the hell are MR PROJECT??!! Abang, Rian, Redi or whoever it is, I’m going crazy with my own fantasy. Pretend to believe they are exist, makes me like dumbass in this world. Abang gw yang pertama, bukan lah seseorang dari MR PROJECT yang gw bangga banggain, abang [orang yang gw anggap abang pertama kali] adalah pacar dari neechan gw. Jedy. My very first brother.
And lover,,, its same, Redi fiktif. Maybe, I’m so stupid. I want others think good about me. Being lonely, its scary, right? Gw, pacaran dengan cewek, mengorbankan harga diri gw. Just because it’s cool being yuri [at that time]. But its going too far. And I regret it now.
Gw, seperti melakukan pengakuan dosa saat ini. Sulit, sulit buat nginget betapa gw.... why should I say... Gross, disgusting. Gw berpikir, apakah gw bahagia seperti ini? Gw, selalu menekankan pada temen temen gw, “respect yourself.” [Or you gonna be like me.] Saat kehilangan jati diri, siapa gw sesungguhnya, sangat menyedihkan.
Gw, benci diri gw, gw benci orang orang yang menganggap gw keren, gw benci orang orang yang peduli ama gw, I started to hate anything because what they worried its not about me. I’m jealous. Gw jealous dengan “gw” yang gw buat. Then, I kill “myself”. Tapi, kenangan yang tersisa yang dibuat oleh old-myself, harus gw selesein right? Dengan gali lobang tutup lobang, dengan kembali menghidupkan “mereka” atau dengan ngga membahas mereka. But, its so painful in my heart.
I hate lying. Prinsip keadilan selalu berputar di kepala gw, gw benci di bohongi, maka gw pun benci untuk membohongi orang orang. Please look at me as I am. But, to be exist in this world someone must be extraordinary right. People, like to watch others who have weirdo thing, something amazing, or something different, right. If so, I want to disappear from this world. The world where ordinary girl like me, tragic person like me, won’t be allowed.It hurts, it hurts if other people peretend to not looking at you, pretend that you never in here.
So, I’m looking, I’m looking for “hitotsu dake no hito” [the only one person]. Dan ga mudah buat nyari orang itu. Dan ga mudah nyari orang yang mungkin bakal tetep percaya ama gw setelah baca ini. Dan, nggak dengan main pilih aja kan. Dan ga dengan mengharapkan kasihan gw nulis ini. I just want, “him” [the person I loved] look at me as I am. With my stupidity, my lie, my past, myself.
+._cHoRo_.+
forgive me,,, forgive me,,, |
posted by choro ajah @ 12:45 PM  |
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